at mirus gallery
Friend: Oh, you’re stressed. YOU SHOULD TRY YOGA!
Me: Why don’t I try vodka instead, a whole bottle. Then when it’s empty, I can hit you over the HEAD WITH IT WHILE YOU DO SOME DOWNWARD DOG!
Visit beautiful downtown Oakland on Tuesday for Ladies Love the Layover sponsored by Feelmore510 Adult Gallery.
This month we’re featuring 6 talented female comedians.
Let’s meet the Ladies…
Chris Burns slays bitches on the daily. She’s a true sav, a woman with a lot to say and…
Co-worker: Did you see the beer delivery guy? He’s so hot!
Nicole: Yeah, I did! I’d like to tap his keg.
……….later that day:
Co-worker: I have a really strong gag reflex.
Nicole: That must make it hard to deep throat then.
Co-worker: Could you not talk anymore today.
Co-worker: When is your next show?
Me: Oh, I’m taking some time off to rework my act.
Co-worker: So, no one will book you?
Me: No, I just want to break my bad habit of doing alcoholic/slut humor.
Co-worker: You could start by not being and alcoholic/slut.
Me: Don’t judge me! You’re the biggest cum dumpster I know.
…..And here is another fun work conversation:
co-worker: Everyone in the kitchen is being an asshole today. What’s up? Did something bad happen in Mexico?
me: They are from El Salvador.
co-worker: Well, did somebody bomb El Salvador?
This conversation happened Saturday at the bar I work at:
DRUNK LADY: (pointing to a storage closet) Is this the bathroom?
ME: It is if you’re drunk enough.
CO-WORKER: Did you say “it is if you’re black enough?”
ME: no, I said drunk.
CO-WORKER:Oh, I was gonna say, damn, you’re racist!
ME: Oh, I AM totally racist, just not that openly.*
*I did not say this last line, but added it later for dramatic effect.
Seat belts, just another reason for cops to get into your business.
ADVENTURES IN CUSTOMER DISSERVICE:
IF YOU ARE TOO LAZY/STUPID/CHEAP TO FIX STUFF JUST IMPROVISE….
…This was the philosophy at the Grand Cafe in Portland, OR where I held my first bar job. This was taken in the women’s restroom, the flushing mechanism broke and so they just removed the tank lid and wrote on the wall with a sharpie “push hard girl” followed by an arrow pointing to where you were supposed to press… CLASSY!
…Also, the owner was a crazy and sexist coke head that yelled at us regularly and only hired women save for one token male slut who thought he was hot shit and tried to bang everybody. Coke use and sexual harassment was rampant and the owner would often fire half the staff on a whim. A gal working there was treated to dirty old men and the occasional gang banger or ex-con during the weekdays and the Portland’s answer to the Jersey Shore weekend nights. One of my most vivid memories was the way a mirror was positioned behind the bar so the patrons could get a good view of my ass. I lasted three months. Also, I’m pretty sure this was the first place I ever had the distinct pleasure of cleaning up a stranger’s vomit.